WHY HALAL MEAT TASTES LIKE POO
Four-time Walkley Award winning political commentator and Churchill Fellow, has returned to the fray over concern that the integrity of news dissemination is continually being threatened by a partisan media.
God provided all living things, including plants, with a form of defence, “If you intend to eat me, you had better kill me quickly or I’ll make your meal taste like shit”. Now, because I’m not a fan of ethereal deities, I will call it a billion years of magical evolution... and this is how it works:
When all living things are faced with certain death, or even serious injury, the fear factor produces voluminous amounts of adrenalin. Adrenalin numbs pain making the slaughter process less stressful for the victim, but it also triggers a related process of pumping toxins into the flesh.
The longer it takes to kill a fearful prey the less tasty the meal.
Every angler knows to kill his fish quickly and not leave it flopping around in the boat. The fish you catch yourself always tastes better than the one you buy from the fish shop.
It’s a remarkable process whereby all predated species can mask the pain of slaughter while at the same time making their flesh less palatable to the predatory species. This is protective of not just the individual but the species in general.
Now here’s something really fascinating: Biologists claim that foraging animals always eat plants upwind (into the breeze) so as to detect the scent of predators ahead.
This theory never made sense to me, because a predator could more easily detect the scent of the forager from the rear, despite the fact that all predated animals have eyes on the sides of their head as distinct from all predators who have eyes facing forward. Anyway, back to these plants.
When I commercially grew millions of tomato plants in rows I noticed something very strange. The plants communicated with each other with a ripening gas called ethylene.
When I interfered with the foliage of one plant, this acidic tomato smelling gas was transferred, via the airflow, to the next plant.
The more I damaged the foliage the greater the amount of gas the plant produced. (It doesn’t affect the taste of the tomato because it’s delightfully acidic anyway.)
Okay, so this ethylene gas, although harmless to humans, will make some plants like carrots turn bitter, but the foliage of all plants, when attacked, will become bitter in an attempt to persuade the forager to go eat something else.
So when a foraging animal wisely eats into the wind the plant is unable transfer the signal to the next plant. If it eats downwind it’s in for an acidic meal. How long it took a giraffe to figure that out is a mystery.
Now what the hell has this got to do with halal slaughter you ask. Actually it’s exactly the same process. When rows of cattle face the cruel process of halal slaughter, they transfer the fear to each other, increasing their heart rates while protectively pumping toxins into the flesh.
Of course this extended fear factor is integral to halal slaughter because the heart needs to expunge every ounce of blood from the animal’s system. And if you kill the animal quickly the heart stops pumping.
This "cultural" process is more important to the Muslim than the taste.
Now Muslims and Jews might prefer their meat slaughtered this way but dinki di Aussies certainly don’t, because in a very short time the meat will turn an unpalatable shade of grey or purplish brown, requiring processors and supermarkets to inject it with carbon monoxide.
I hate to tell you this, but carbon monoxide is a poison.
Have you noticed how attractively pink all meat looks in supermarkets? There are international moves afoot to ban the practice, but Barnaby Joyce remains blithely blind to our domestic markets while besotted with a halal export market we couldn’t give a stuff about.
Two year-old processed domestic meat injected with carbon monoxide still looks a yummy pink and if that’s not a worry for Muslims and Jews then it most certainly should be a worry for the beleaguered Aussie consumer!
To tell the truth I couldn’t give a damn how foreign Muslim nations like their imported meat slaughtered, providing I don’t have to eat it and pay for the nasty process here.
But here’s the real halal hoax: If processors are paying hundreds of thousands to local Muslim charlatans to be able to claim their meat is slaughtered strictly to halal specifications, why then are the animal rightists not up in arms?
Why do their hidden ABC cameras expose greyhound baiting in Australia and the savage cruelty of halal slaughter in Indonesia, but not here?
Hmmm, could it be that halal slaughter is NOT strictly practised in Australia? Could it be that it’s actually the Muslims who are being conned and they have decided to return the favour with a massive tax on everything?
Barnaby Joyce should be shit scared of a Senate inquiry.