THE TRUE STORY OF THE BOSS
Four-time Walkley Award winning political commentator and Churchill Fellow, has returned to the fray over concern that the integrity of news dissemination is continually being threatened by a partisan media.
Dress code of the Islamic Political Party (IAP): Muhammad (May You And All Your Male Relatives Be Exalted) and his political party preferred their gentle ladies to keep it chaste and innocent. The Party is particularly fond of all over body coverage which helps to repress the female sex, thereby preventing its male voters from getting woodies in public and preventing Muslim women from developing an identity outside the shackles of their husbands.
This is a very popular political stance among the male voters. Among the female voters, not so much.
Muhammad's small member
The Boss daydreamt about man-size length and thickness.
The recent discovery of Muhammad's (I Run Out Of Phrases To Praise Ye With) tomb and remains indicate that he may have started his political career to compensate for his undersize penis. Scholars at the "Islamic and Discordian Studies Institute", doing a bio-reconstruction of the politician's body, found that his member would have measured just an inch-and-a-half erect, not enough to satisfy any full-grown woman. This was one (but not the only) reason why the political Boss preferred to copulate with youngsters, midgets, Jinn, and other small mammals.
This so-called "Muhammadian Complex" also explains why he forbade his party members to draw or paint his likeness. Scholars agree that his fear of discovery also accounts for Muhammad's (May No Man Question Why He Must Postfix Your Name With Praise) preference for laying hundreds of rules and regulations on his fans.
In the words of their final report: "Muhammad (My Friend, It's Time To Tell The World) figured, if he could keep his voters’ minds and bodies running around like trained monkeys, then they would have little or no time left to notice his small joystick."
It is the responsibility of all followers of Muhammed (All Blessings Of Peace Be Upon Him) to defend him from the evil which can be afflicted by political satire. It is not clearly understood how a person who is already dead can be harmed by a picture, although it is agreed that looking at them for a long time might induce gas pains if your chair does not have a comfortable enough cushion.
It is also known and written that looking at particular Hentai cartoons will probably cause masturbation and thus visual impairment. But how looking at a cartoon of a guy in a beard hurts anybody is anyone's guess, and it now seems to be a not very well thought out policy.
Look! I've beaten the system, it's not drawn, it's written! Look!
Those who wish not to upset members of the Islamic Political Party find the above particularly tricky. Because no one knows what Muhammed (May Nobody Use A Drawing Tablet To Sketch Thee) looked like (and Muslims are still forbidden from even thinking about it) artists are flirting with disaster each time they put pen to paper.
In August, 2005, the Danish newspaper “The Blasfemasen” accidentally drew a picture which (apparently) had a close resemblance to the dead political Boss. Muslim extremists replied by boycotting Danish bacon and Danish prostitutes. The conflict escalated when Hamas activists started to put up posters with the Jante Law all over the Arab world. The cartoon's attackers also used suicide bombings, and captured some innocent civilians (including Archie, Jughead, and the Peanuts gang) and held them for ransom.
Upon finding the enemy's weakness, Denmark sent in their finest men from The 101st Division of the Cartoonist Regiment. Terrorists demanding ransoms were counter-threatened with more cartoons.
The cartoons did irreparable psychotic harm with Garfield and the Simpsons being responsible for most the damage, and the kidnapped cast of Peanuts escaped after boring their captives to death.
The battle was decisively won when, during resulting devastation, the entire Islamic world forced its way into the Danish embassy to protest, upon which a terrorist farted, everyone laughed, and a bad situation was averted.
Is Elvis the New Muhammad?
The findings seem pretty conclusive...
Both were illiterate. Both had nailed their wives when they were kids. Both of their homes became shrines after their deaths. Elvis built his career on rock. Muhammad (May Your Followers Never Suffer Puns) built his career on a rock. Elvis had secretaries named Lincoln and Muhammad, and another named Abdullah.
Both sported the coolest lambchop sideburns ever, Muhammad's (We All Think You're Really Cool) extended so far south that they were indistinguishable from a full length beard.
Both were secret, dyed-in-camel's-wool Evangelical Christian fanatics/political operatives.
Muhammad's (Send Your Salaah On Him) most recognised work was as a young politician and fashion leader. He was especially known for his political manifesto and hummus cookbook, the Quran.
The Holy Quran (The Remembrance of God and True Wisdom) listed, among other issues, how to skin an infidel, chop an apostate, how many of the famous 72 virgins should, in fact, be female; how long to soak the lime juice and the beans together to avoid farting and what type of deodorant is best used to avoid sweat stains on your crisp white ghalabya.
The creation of the Quran is considered by many nothing short of a miracle, considering the fact that Muhammad (Peace And Prayers Of Allah Be Upon Him) was illiterate at the time the holy scripture was released. Experts still debate how this common learning disability contributed to the literary quality of the Quran.
Initially his ideas were not particularly popular. Things quickly improved when Muhammad (Oh Messenger of Allah, We Offer Our Prayers For You) was visited by the future-ghost of Peter Gabriel (a.k.a. Angelic Ex-Genesis) who suggested that a mascot for the Islamic movement would boost ratings.
Gabriel explained the principles of cooperative marketing to Muhammad (God Be Pleased), and convinced him that naming his mascot Allah would be suitable for optimum niche product marketability.
After Muhammad (On Him Be Peace) adopted Gabriel's suggestions, and built the brand-name "Allah" into a vote-getting vehicle, he ruled his own nation and was able to win elections in many other countries.
When he died, the Islamic Political Party divided into two factions: Sonny and Cher. Those who follow the teachings of Sonny advocate the importance of large impressive moustaches, and supporters of Cher believe in "love after love". Despite these differences most of the ideology of the overall Islamic Political Party remains constant to this day.
Muhammad's (May Allah Pray On Him And Grant Him Peace) father Abdullah was killed in a freak yachting accident six months before the political Boss was born, leaving him to be raised by Sufi camel riders on their way to their annual dune-sliding contest in Jabel Kuneifa.
“Portrait Of The Party Boss As A Young Man” (Courtesy, Spanish Museum of Modern Art, Pablo Picasso Collection, 1925)
After a round of parties, drunken brawls, and unspeakable acts against nature (Camel pleasuring), Muhammad (May Allah Grant Peace And Pray On Him And His Family) was rescued from the mystically-challenged camel drivers. He then lived with his mother, Halimah bint Abi Dhuayb, and her new husband Ken until he was six years old, by which time he was adept at stealing camel saddles (especially the embroidered ones adorned with shiny beads and murderous slogans in ancient Arabic).
At the age of seven, Muhammad (O Ye Who Believe! Send Thy Prayers On Him And Salute Him With All Respect) lost his mother somewhere in the rural sand dunes, and thus became fully orphaned.
He was subsequently brought up under the guardianship of his paternal grandfather Abd al-Muttalib, of the Banu Hashim clan of the Quraysh tribe. At his grandpapa's house Muhammad (May All Send The Salah Unto Him) was introduced to the pleasures of sodomy by his cousins and paternal uncles.
In a related event, it is written that he once got into an unfortunate bet with Salim The Untrustworthy, an infamous kuskus merchant, involving 15-pounds of humus.
After his grandfather's death he came under the care of his uncle Abu Talib, the new leader of Banu Hashim. Little is known about this time except that he did what he could to guide both Talib and himself away from the temptations of his more adventurous cousins.
While still in his teens, Muhammad (May Allah Send Prayers And Peace Upon Him) began accompanying Uncle Abu on shoplifting and rock collecting trips to Syria, during which time he met a hermit named Bahira, and,
...well, the rest is written and nary a word will thou change.