THE CLASH OF THE CODES
Four-time Walkley Award winning political commentator and Churchill Fellow, has returned to the fray over concern that the integrity of news dissemination is continually being threatened by a partisan media.
In a surprise move Collingwood has begun beheading those who follow other codes. They showed no mercy when storming St George’s Leagues Club waving black and white flags and spraying poker machine players with AK47 rounds while screaming “Collingwood is great”, “death to non-believers” and “behead all those who insult Eddie McGuire”.
It was widely reported that up to 400 radicalised players from interstate clubs had travelled to Melbourne to join the Collingwood Caliphate, but Tony Abbott was quick to reassure the public, angrily declaring that, “these people are being closely monitored” and a furious Premier Baird rushed to a Press conference claiming, “they may not be allowed back into NSW”.
“This has nothing to do with Aussie Rules”, screamed the ABC and The Age, “Collingwood is a religion of peace”.
The Guardian On-line led with, “SPORTING VIOLENCE A GROWING CONCERN” but counselled its readers against over-reacting to redneck claims that 30,000 well armed Collingwood fanatics were descending on the offices of the Premier League.
In a breaking development it was reported a bomb had exploded in the Essendon Club rooms but fortunately no-one was there. The Collingwood players group had quickly claimed responsibility, tweeting “convert or die” and released a video of David Gallop in an orange jumpsuit declaring he would be decapitated unless all codes converted to Aussie Rules and followed the teachings of Collingwood.
Sarah Hanson-Young said that boys will be boys, discounting Jacqui Lambie’s claim that Collingwood “only cares about winning” and that she will not put up with Magpie Law. “And I won’t agree to anything until indigenous players are paid more”, Jacqui said.
“It’s no wonder we are losing ‘moderate’ Aussie Rules players to Collingwood” said James Hird. “We can’t compete with rewards of 72 virtuous black and white birds.”
Tony Abbott again called for tea and bickies with spiritual leaders of all football clubs to resolve the issue. “Let me make this clear, this has nothing to do with the Magpies”, he said. “We have nothing to gain by marginalising an Aussie Rules club, in fact henceforth I will be referring to them as, ‘Sports people in black and white jumpers’”.
When asked for an opinion, Bill Shorten said he would rather not comment on Pies but added, “I will agree with whatever Eddie McGuire agrees to.”