POPE, SUFFERING OLDTIMERS, RECKONS BIBLE IS FAKE NEWS
Four-time Walkley Award winning political commentator and Churchill Fellow, has returned to the fray over concern that the integrity of news dissemination is continually being threatened by a partisan media.
The truth is the silly old bugger appears to have finally got one thing right (well, in a Biblical sense that is)! Yes “Satan”, in the form of a snake, (or Harvey Weinstein) lied to Eve about the value of eating forbidden fruit! Hmmm, okay, maybe snakes could talk back then and women were silly enough to believe anything they were told, but the book of Genesis is actually entirely fake news. And, despite Il Papa’s insinuations, this time it’s not Trump’s fault.
Anyway after Harvey convinced her to swallow this illegal stuff, Eve suddenly noticed she had two pretty good tits and a yummy looking front bottom. “Wow”, she said, “I reckon I can have some fun with these.” And she did because in no time at all she produced three documented children, Cain, Abel and Seth.
As God didn't allow Eve to be on the pill at the time she probably had a few other rug rats as well. So, who bonked who from then on is a mystery, but let’s leave incest out of it for a moment.
Cain, from memory, slew (bumped off) Abel in the field and God was displeased (bloody angry). So as a punishment, God sent Cain into the Land of Nod and put a mark upon his forehead so that, “all those who came across him would not kill him but would cast him out” (tell him in no uncertain terms to piss off) …fair enough too! I mean after all, he had just killed a close family member!
Now I tried really hard to follow the story up to here but WTF were all these people doing in the Land of Nod? Had God created another Adam and Eve somewhere and simply forgot to tell us about it? Because it seems hardly necessary to put a mark on someone’s forehead so that his siblings will know he knocked one of them off? It’s about now that I want a refund for this Bible book.
Old Moses had a few tricks up his sleeve too
But I soldier on with the Old Testament until I get to Noah’s Ark. Now fair dinkum, even the Brothers Grimm couldn’t have come up with this tale after a night on the turps! We’re told it pissed down for 40 days and nights and the whole world (but very little of it was known back then) was inundated!
According to the Bible, chronologically, the flood didn’t recede for 18 months when the Ark ran aground somewhere in Turkey. So after a year and a half without refrigeration, which animals ate one or both of the other pairs, is pure speculation, but even if both chooks survived it defeats the purpose of the whole exercise.
Anyway koalas and kangaroos must have been pretty safe because Captain Cook wasn’t around then.
As there were no pictures in my Bible it was about then that I considered flicking it.
"Hey that's a bloody parrot... hang on I'll fix it!"
"...there ya go."
Then all my religious friends told me the Old Testament was um, sort of symbolic, and that I should read on for more enlightened, credible, scriptures. Okay, so I do, and I come across a pregnant virgin who has given birth to a bloke who can walk on water, he can make blind people see, and when his mates are low on booze he can turn water into wine.
Jeezus, that’s very impressive.
But it gets even better than the pregnant virgin bit. And by the way if my daughter gave me a story about God getting her pregnant, she would go to bed without any dinner and I’m pretty sure no-one would consider fashioning statues to her or crafting lots of stained glass windows in her image.
Good drawing 'tho
Anyway when this “wonderbloke” gets killed, as all those radical, self-styled, messianic, charlatans did, he comes alive again and floats up in the air to abide with God… and my friends are trying to tell me the New Testament is more believable than Adam and Eve? Hmmm, really?
"Hmmm, tell me about that illegal entry again."
So when ol’ Il Papa says the Bible is the original “fake news” he actually believes it's NOT fake news! Otherwise he has no job, no babies get kissed, and no-one gets to talk about their sins at his (above) mobile confessional!
Crumbs, I give up!