The Pickering Post
Saturday, 22nd September 2018

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LEAVE ME ALONE

... I'm only doing what comes naturally

Larry Pickering

Four-time Walkley Award winning political commentator and Churchill Fellow, has returned to the fray over concern that the integrity of news dissemination is continually being threatened by a partisan media.

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Having a bonk buddy on the Gold Coast creates a problem for any red blooded Canberran politician. Nothing happens on the Gold Coast that interests Federal politicians except gigolos and hookers. Sussan Ley can justify a flight to Brisbane, then a comcar to the glitter strip to visit some er, “clients” of the welfare budget who happen to live not far from the bonk buddy's bin-cleaning business. 

But an upgraded hotel room with champas in bed is more appropriate for important people. 

The trouble starts when Sussan has a sudden urge to buy an investment property while there. It makes a lie of why she originally said she was there. Therefore she can’t take the comcar back to Brisbane. She has to pay for a cab fare with her comcar following dutifully behind her. Oh dear.

The Press gallery has very little to amuse itself over the new year period so the little darlings pore over Senate Estimates to see how politicians have been misspending our taxes. Only Liberal politicians take their interest of course, otherwise Labor’s Tony Burke would be sharing Eddie Obeid’s cell.

Burke flicked his wife and kids to enjoy life between the legs of his young attractive office mail girl, a Ms Laris. (Well, she looks sort of okay if you squint your eyes a bit.) 

Their whirlwind multi-Continent tour (holiday) cost taxpayers exactly $225,000. But the Press gallery doesn’t want to upset the wrong Party and the Libs won’t mention it for fear of retaliatory revelations by Shorten or Wong.

Regardless both the budding love birds travelled first-class along with two departmental officials with Mr Burke’s out of pocket expenses totalling an extra $48,951. 

On return, Burke promoted Ms Laris from mail girl to chief of staff on triple her salary and he stipulated that from then on his new love must accompany him on all of his domestic and overseas trips. And she does. 

Wow, one of them must have been a damned good shag!

But this is how it works for the average member and every politician does it: There is a wedding you simply must attend on 14/10/2017 at Nar Nar Goon, Vic. But there is no way that you intend paying the cost of getting to and from there, because you are important. 

You are an important politician! I mean does Barack Obama pay for the 747 that takes him to his golf lessons?

So you get your secretary to phone the local Nar Nar Goon Lions Club (note phone, do not leave an email trail just yet) suggesting the Federal politician will be in Nar Nar Goon on the weekend of 14/10/2017 and if the club president would kindly send a letter asking the politician to address the Lions meeting, the politician will be only too happy to accept. 

The letter duly arrives and your secretary duly accepts the request (this time by official email) and voila, suddenly all the costs of attending the wedding are now met by the taxpayer, plus a free inedible Lions’ dinner that you excuse yourself from eating, plus accommodation and all you have to do is talk shit to a few blank faces for 20 minutes.

I mean a comcar driver can now take you from Tullamarine to Gippsland and return with free accommodation for the weekend and the politician can of course arrange for upgraded accommodation, all on the taxpayer.

Just ask Tony Abbott, he knows how it all works, but Malcolm Turnbull is rich and doesn’t need to take any risks.

And you thought “swindle dockets” were only used by travelling salesmen?



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