DEAR Ms BISHOP
(the foreigner affairs one, not the helicopter one)
Phoebe is an 8 yo who attends Lloyd Street State School in East Malvern Vic. and she asks a lot of really important questions.
I asked Dad why he calls you the Stick Insect and he said it was because stick insects chew their partners’ heads off after sexing them. Golly crumbs Ms Bishop, is that true?
I mean, in all your photos you look like you could do with some protein but that seems a bit drastic. And I know you weren’t sexing with Mr Abbott, so was he just for practice then?
Anyway, we finally got our jar of Vegemite back after Dad chucked it at Mr Fahkhaed’s cobblers (that means his shoes I think). But goodness me Ms Bishop, it’s still hello certified and now it stinks of Bega Cheese!
Ms Bishop, it’s not your foreigner affairs I am writing to you about, it’s about our foreigner affairs and Mr Fahkhaed next door! He fancies my Mum and is determined to convert her to Islam.
But I’m worried Dad will be sent back to gaol again, he’s only been out a week. You see, Mr Fahkhaed gave Mum a little red prayer mat and Dad used it for a pee dribble mat in front of our toilet bowl.
I think Dad sort of misses on purpose now and he has left a photo of him missing on purpose in the Fahkhaeds’ letter box. There’s going to be another fight, I just know it, and Dad said he will punch Mr Fahkhaed’s (naughty word) lights out after Mr Fahkhaed left a photo-shopped pic in our letterbox of himself and Mum being voted Australian couple of the Year.
To be fair, Mr Fahkhaed did increase his offer for our house, but I think $16 is still too cheap.
Anyway Ms Bishop could you find time among your foreigner affairs to ask Mr Turnbull to tell the Fahkhaeds to (rude word) off.
We need our Dad back with us now that Mum has fallen for Islam, and she will never go to gaol.
Have all your former husbands/partners, Ross Lightfoot, Peter Natrass and Neil Gillon lost their heads too? No-one has heard from them for a long while. Even Mr Ban Ki-moon seems to have disappeared.
What’s Mr Panton’s phone number? I think I should warn him,
... but Dad said I shouldn’t bother about Mr Turnbull’s number ‘tho.
(Aged eight and three quarters)