CLIVE IS UP THE POINTY END
... but who with?
Four-time Walkley Award winning political commentator and Churchill Fellow, has returned to the fray over concern that the integrity of news dissemination is continually being threatened by a partisan media.
Neither Tony Abbott, nor anyone else for that matter, has the slightest idea how Clive Palmer will vote in the Senate, and neither does Clive. Having a discussion with him is like trying to juggle ping pong balls on a big dipper.
He is one huge bundle of madding contradictions that leaves you exhausted. He is a conservative, a socialist and a radical all in one, and genuinely so.
His heroes are Jo Bjelke Petersen and Adolf Hitler, he is compassionate yet ruthless, loyal yet treacherous, Catholic yet agnostic, mean yet kind and bluster hides his insecurities.
My only book as a kid was, “101 Things a Boy Can Do” and I’m sure Clive owned that same book. He is the quintessential Peter Pan.
He wants the Chinese to build him a Titanic replica costing a billion he doesn't have and they don’t trust him anyway.
But so what! He wants them to build him zeppelins too.
You see Clive thinks it’s the future for world transport. He maintains the Yanks were to blame for the Hindenburg disaster by refusing to supply the Germans with helium. So the poor Krauts had to use wicked hydrogen, causing a catastrophic explosion that denied the world of future economic transport.
Clive’s Titanic will be sunk before it reaches the slipway and his zeppelins will never get off the ground.
But never fear, Clive ain't going anywhere. He is here to save the world with his native logic!
When he was one third his weight, and a university dropout, he ran successful campaigns for an appreciative Jo Bjelke Petersen who slipped him a couple of tenements, telling him he would make millions from them, he did, before aligning with the LNP and sinking the millions back into their coffers.
But Clive is a very loyal bloke, especially when it comes to what he’s owed, and little Campbell Newman didn’t think he owed Clive a damned thing, especially when it came to mining related favours.
Clive was livid. He sat up in bed one night and declared to his missus (the one who used to be married to his best mate) “I’m gunna be Prime Minister, and I’m gunna flush that little Newman turd down the dunny!”
“Go back to sleep dear”, said his missus.
But Clive didn’t go back to sleep, he set about fielding candidates in every Federal seat in Australia.
Unfortunately quality control isn’t one of Clive’s finer points and he was left with an ordinary bunch of thick-necked ex Rugby League players, a burnt out pugilist, a few illiterate sheilas and himself!
Well, only himself won a seat, that of Fairfax, and a few of his odd bods snuck into the Senate, although there are no brownie points for fluking a Senate seat... my dog Blinkie was just pipped by Sarah someone.
Now all that hasn’t got Clive within cooee of The Lodge but it has got him the ability to assist the Greens to block Abbott’s supply Bills, that’s if his PUPs have been well-trained enough.
Right now they can only sit and shake hands.
Blocking supply Bills isn’t very polite but there are plenty of other Bills that could lead to a double dissolution, that’s if Clive wants one.
Neither of the major Parties wants one because Labor’s votes are leaking to the Greens and the Coalition’s are leaking to Clive.
From golf courses and dinosaur farms to footy teams, it seems everything he touches turns to poo. But the irrepressible Clive remains undeterred.
But anyway, who knows, the big man now casts a big shadow over Canberra and Coalition Members are becoming more polite to Clive each day.
Tony Abbott will have to deal with him soon! It’s either put him back on the Christmas card list or start planning another Pauline moment.