AIDS CURE DISCOVERED BY ABC's Q&A
Four-time Walkley Award winning political commentator and Churchill Fellow, has returned to the fray over concern that the integrity of news dissemination is continually being threatened by a partisan media.
It took a little coaxing but a typically carefully selected audience attending the ABC’s infamous Q&A program, convened last night to discuss AIDS, inadvertently unearthed a foolproof cure for the disease.
The announcement of a cure came completely out of the blue when one of the gay male panellists, sporting the obligatory pencil-thin moustache, implored an audience of anxious, pasty-faced blokes to get themselves a good supply of “morning after” pills.
Well, I nearly choked on my cup of tea... there has been a preventive cure all this time and no-one realised. Even the Hon Justice Kirby, who desperately wants to marry his mate, shifted in his seat.
So, there it was... if you don't stick your dick in the bacterial bloodbath of another bloke’s bum, the disease magically doesn't occur? That’s amazing! But, if you find yourself in a position where the urge is irresistible, for God’s sake remember to take your “morning after” pill.
It’s almost certain to prevent your partner getting pregnant and is said to stave off HIV/AIDS at the same time! So, if you intend pirouetting up Oxford street in your fishnet singlet and chaps this Saturday night take a pocketful because it’s manners to give your partners one too.
Oooh, all that that sounds a fraction homophobic, and heavens to Betsy I don’t want to appear “fearful of the same” (which is what the word coined by the gay community means) so maybe a few facts wouldn’t go astray.
New South Wales (which has three times the prevalence of AIDS cases as does the next highest State of Victoria) as at December 2011, had 20,683 male cases of HIV/AIDS and 1,364 female and transgender cases.
Now, I don’t want to go pointing the finger, but it does appear at least 95% of cases of HIV/AIDS involves blokes.
Now why would that be I thought, putting my thinking cap on? Well most women I know don’t have dicks, so the disease must have something to do with blokes' dicks and blokes' back bottoms.
But hang on, most women have back bottoms too and only 5% of them contract HIV/AIDS, and that’s just not fair! So I rolled another smoke... this will take some figuring out.
And then it dawned on me; Only 5% of the 95% of blokes who are HIV positive are switch-hitters! Of course! They like bottoms in general! So if anal sex with a female partner is categorised as a heterosexual activity, and it is, then it explains why females have such a low contraction rate.
And the poor switch-hitter needs three “morning after” pills because, if he decides to attack a front bottom for variety, he’ll need one to prevent his partner getting pregnant and one each to prevent AIDS.
Bloody hell, now it’s getting complicated because, if the evening’s costs are to be shared, then the two “morning after” AIDS pills are free and the pregnancy one costs a fortune. Try working that out on your recreational drug of choice.
Bugger it, I’ve got a headache now and have never felt less like sex in my life, so I’m off to bed and switching off Q&A yet again!
It’s funny but I’ve never seen the end of that show, can someone tell me if it improves as it goes?