"Come meet my mate Jonathon"
Harry Richardson is a long-time student of Islam and author of best seller, "the Story Of Mohammed - Islam Unveiled', http://thestoryofmohammed.blogspot.com.au
“Hi Harry, do you want to come and meet my mate Jonathon? He reckons he knows how to fix the country.” “No worries Steve, but my car’s running a bit rough and needs looking at.” “That’s OK”, says Steve, “We can drop in on my other mate Macca, and he will have a look at it.”
“Are you sure?” I asked suspiciously, “It is a Rolls Royce you know.”
“Not a problem”, replied Steve, “I’m sure it will be fine.”
As we pull into Macca’s yard, I start to feel uneasy. This doesn’t look like a normal garage. It somehow looks more like a scrap yard.
“Hi,” I say nervously to Macca. “Can you have a look at my car, it is running a bit rough on idle sometimes.”
“That’s because the whole car is [email protected]#t,” says Macca. “It doesn’t even have a shower or toilet in it.”
“But no car has a shower or toilet in it,” I say, with growing alarm.
“Well this one will when I finish fixing it”, replies Macca.
“How are you going to fix it?” I ask suspiciously.
“Well, I’m going to smash it up into pieces with an axe, then I will put it all back together. Then, she will be the best car the world has ever seen,” declares Macca proudly.
“Have you ever done this before?” I ask Macca, thinking that he doesn’t look like he has much experience in this field.
“No, but my uncle did it to a bunch of cars and he told me all about it.”
“And how did that work out” I asked curiously?
“Terrible, just terrible” replied Macca, somewhat crestfallen, “they were only fit for junk when he was done, but don’t worry,” he added, brightening up noticeably, “I’m convinced that he did it wrong and I won’t be making the same mistakes. When I fix your car up, it will be the best car ever.”
“Well, er.. actually, I think I’ve changed my mind about that,” I tell Macca. “I think I might just find someone else to do the job.”
“Bugger that!” screamed Macca, leaping over the counter. “You have no right to that car, it should belong to everyone.”
Fortunately for us, his feet caught up in a fan belt that had been tossed carelessly on the counter and Macca came crashing down with a sickening thud. Before he hit the ground however, Steve and I were reversing up the drive at 60km/h leaving a couple of black stripes as the only sign we had ever been there.
“HOLY CRAP!” I blurted out to Steve, “that guy was a lunatic. Let’s hope your political mate Jonathon is a bit less crazy.”
Five minutes later, as we pull up at his friend’s house, things don’t look so promising. Steve’s friend, who introduces himself as Jonathon invites us in for a chat. Jonathon doesn’t look much like a politician to me, any more than Macca looked like a mechanic. He has dreadlocks, several piercings and a bunch of tattoos. Fortunately, he seems pleasant enough and we sit down and share a coffee.
“The political system here is a disaster”, declares Jonathon. “Some people are richer than others, some people work more than others, some people have swimming pools and others live in crappy places like this one. There is so much oppression and exploitation.”
“Well the system isn’t perfect,” I offer “and it could do with some changes, but it is still one of the best countries in the whole history of ever.”
“Rubbish,” says Jonathon. “The place is just [email protected]#t. Everyone should be equal and everyone should have what they want and not have to work too hard for it.”
“But no country has ever achieved that,” I protested. “What makes you think that it is even possible?”
“Oh, it is not only possible, I know how to do it”, declares Jonathon, glaring at me. “It’s called Socialism.”
“Really?” I ask him. “How does that work?”
“Simple,” replies Jonathon. “First, we tear apart the entire society, root and branch and destroy every part of the culture and institutions. Then, we build our brand-new workers’ paradise, which will be the best nation ever.”
“Has this ever been tried before?” I ask, with an uncomfortable feeling of deja vu.
“Oh yes”, replies Jonathon. “Many times in history, starting with the Soviet Union.”
“And how did that work out”, I ask.
“Terrible, just terrible,” replied Jonathon looking rather crestfallen.
“First they killed a bunch of those in charge, and that was OK, because they were rich. Then they started killing anyone who didn’t agree with them and that was OK too because they were enemies of the Revolution. Then they killed a whole bunch of the successful farmers called Kulaks and that was OK, because it made everyone more equal.”
“What happened then”, I asked after a long, awkward pause.
“Er, then a whole bunch of people starved to death. That was followed by an even more brutal dictator taking over who was even worse than the original bunch. That was when things got real bad. I think the final death toll was in the region of 50 or 60 million.”
“So, I guess they didn’t try that again?” I offered naively.
“They sure did, they tried it again in China”, said Jonathon.
“What happened that time?” I asked him.
“Hard to get exact figures, the Chinese play their cards close to their chest, but estimates vary around 38 million dead.”
“Any others of note?” I asked him curiously?”
“Pretty much all of them”, said Jonathon. “There was Vietnam with a major humanitarian catastrophe and Cambodia managed to wipe out around one third of its population. Most other countries had the same kind of issue but it’s hard to know exactly because Communist countries don’t allow information to leak out. Most of them are run like giant prison camps.”
“So why do you want to try this here?” I asked him curiously.
“Well we are convinced that this time will be completely different”, said Jonathon cheerfully. “We won’t make the same mistakes that they did. When we do it, everything will be just hunky dory, I just know it.”
“Hmm, so how are you intending to get the power to carry out this plan?” I asked him curiously.
“Well, we work inside established political parties to get part of our agenda through”, he replied earnestly. “You know, the bits that sound good, like more government spending on schools and hospitals. The banks are really on board with that, because they get to lend the government loads of fake money that they just print up. It’s really good business for them.”
“And how are you going to get the really unpopular parts through?” I asked him.
“Well, we’ll probably need the Communists for that. That’s those guys over there,” he said, gesturing to three guys who were busy passing a bong around. “Communists believe in implementing the Socialist agenda by force and by that, I mean killing anyone who gets in their way.”
“Well, I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade here”, I said, as tactfully as I could manage, “maybe it’s the fact that they are wearing eye shadow and nail polish, but those guys don’t look that tough, and there aren’t that many of them.”
“That’s OK, said Jonathon, we have that under control. Every time we get a Labor Government in power, we hand out thousands of passports to these Jihadist blokes. They love the idea of stealing from rich capitalists just as much as we do, and they are poor too. The best bit is that they just love killing people, especially those in power. They love us too. They always vote for us and so do their families which are huge. We had a chat about tearing down the society and remaking it into a whole new system and they thought that was a splendid idea. They are totally on board with it.”
“But aren’t their ideas and values just a teensy bit different to yours?” I asked cautiously.
“Oh yes, there are a few minor differences, but my Gender Studies teacher says that was all caused by colonialism and he should know, he’s a professor. Once we seize power, we can employ those guys driving taxis or collecting trolleys at the new government owned supermarkets. They seem to like doing those kinds of things. The Jihadists helped the Socialists with the Iranian Revolution and that worked out really well … er, I think.”
“Well”, I said, trying to sound calm and unfazed whilst backing up slowly towards the car, “that’s great! I hope you guys manage to create this wonderful Nirvana.”
“Wait”, said Jonathon, aren’t you going to hang around and help with the revolution?”
“Sorry”, I said, “I’m busy. I have to er… go back to Macca’s place and get my Rolls Royce fixed up.”
"This article is a work of pure fiction - except for the part about what Socialists believe."